It’s been 2 years since I wrote my last blog post on here but as I’m now on maternity leave for the next 12 months and will likely be around the house a bit more, I’ve decided to start up again and write a new chapter.
13 days ago on 7th June at 08.51am, we welcomed little Jasper Samuel into the world. These last 2 weeks in the midst of a ridiculously hot heatwave, it’s been a blur of cuddles, staring at him, gazing at how small he is, meeting family and friends, snoozing in the garden and all the days and nights blending together in a happy, sleep-confused muddle. There are so many moments and photos I will savour as I know he will never be this little again – I’m soaking up every second.
We decided on the name Jasper mainly because we liked the named, but also because “Gasper” was supposedly one of the wise men in the nativity (it means “bringer of wisdom and treasure to Jesus”). After he was born, friends began sending us various verses about “jasper” in the bible – it’s a precious stone emblematic of the glory of God, it’s used in the high priests breastplate representing the tribe of Benjamin and it’s also a stone used in foundations of New Jerusalem. I’m praying that it’s a prophetic statement over his life that this tiny person will grow into someone that builds heaven on earth, he’ll represent God’s glory, and that he’ll bring his wisdom and treasure to Jesus.
Over the final weeks of pregnancy and since Jasper’s been born, God’s been teaching me about dependency. I am a somewhat independent, capable person who likes to have a plan and push forward with it. For the last 9 months, I have had a fairly set plan. I’d planned for a natural birth, we’d move house and be settled into our new place ready for Jasper’s arrival. But it didn’t quite turn out that way. A few weeks before he was born, I discovered he was breech and natural birth was not going to be possible as Jasper was lying sideways so I ended up having a c-section. In terms of house move, we are still in our old house and have a date to move out but nowhere to move into yet.
There are many wonderful things about Caesareans (you skip the whole “labour” part for one!) but as its major abdominal surgery, it’s meant that I’ve had to rely on Ben to get me things and help me move about as for the first few days, walking and lifting and twisting are somewhat tricky. I had to become more dependent on Ben. As I’ve been getting to know and looking after Jasper, he is a strong little boy and has an equally independent streak in him. He will demand his own way, trying to nurse on his own pushing away my hands, he’ll wriggle and struggle as I remove his clothes when he’s too hot, or screams about nappy changes but is all comfy, clean and calm immediately after – Mummy knows best.
Just as Jasper demands his own way, how many times do I demand my own way striving and struggling, which ultimately cheats me of a better way that God has for me? Where have I been pushing and struggling with our house move or how I had planned labour to go? Just as Jasper is completely dependent on me for his existence, God’s been teaching me to be completely dependent on him. He loves us devotedly, He will provide for our every need. In his presence, I needn’t strive or demand my own way – I can rest safely and securely in his provision. I had a wonderfully positive time in hospital with Jasper and on reflection realised that God’s plan was way better than mine – it was very calm and peaceful, I skipped the long and tiring labour part, recovery has been remarkably straightforward, my little boy is healthy and happy, and under the circumstances, the consultants were adamant it was the safest way for him to arrive.
In terms of our accommodation, we’re still not at the end of moving house process, we’re moving out in 2 months time and have no idea where we’ll end up living or what these next 6 months will look like. But I’m trusting in God’s promise that He provides for our every need. His ways are higher than ours. He makes us dwell in safety and He keeps whoever’s mind is steadfast in perfect peace because they trust in Him.